A Wife's Perspective
By Jamie Turner
On
Friday March 14th 2014, as we were minutes away from Veteran’s
Refuge Network’s first TV interview EVER, I had a small panic-filled identity
crisis. During the question and answer prep, the reporter was walking Andrew,
Laura, and I through the order in which we’d be talking to her, and the key
points each would discuss. When she got to me, she asked me what perspective do
I bring to the table, and I panicked. I stood there looking at her, my mind
blank. My neurotic brain began firing a million thoughts a second; I wasn’t a
combat veteran like Andrew, I didn’t have the training or education like Laura,
what DID I bring to the table?
I managed to ramble out an answer,
about how I was a digital marketing major in U of M’s College of Business, so I
would talk about the social media aspect and our business plan for the future.
BORING, right? I stood in the background of the studio while Andrew led us off,
talking with such strength and emotion about his deployment experience and our
plans for Veteran’s Refuge Network. Laura was next, and despite being nervous
and afraid that she would giggle through the whole interview – her words, not
mine – she was incredible! She fired off her answers with such poise and
confidence, my jaw dropped multiple times during her nine minutes. Then, it was
my turn.
While I stood there observing the
two of them speak, my mind and my heart were going back and forth as to what
contributions I could make, not only for this interview, but for Veteran’s
Refuge as a whole. I began to realize that as a military spouse, I do have a
unique perspective, one that perhaps even Andrew and Laura couldn’t actually
identify with. My voice is important, because of the three of us; I’m the only
one who has walked this particular path. So, before the camera rolled, I asked
our interviewer if instead of simply discussing our social media campaign and
business plan, if I could talk about the spouses, families, and support systems
that stay behind as their veterans serve. I spoke from the heart and before I knew it, our interview was over.
Someone told us a few months ago that if you
have a servant’s heart, then serve. Why it took me a month to realize
that those words applied to me as well as Andrew and Laura, I don’t know. As
active service members of the Michigan Army National Guard, each of them puts on
the uniform and serves. I’m realizing that even though my service isn’t as
visible, it’s no less important. Few have walked in my shoes, and experienced
the up-and-down emotional roller coaster that comes with having a spouse in the
military. It’s not easy being the one left behind; trying to keep it all
together while they’re gone, then trying to readjust when they’re home. Just
when you’re comfortable again, it’s off to more training. And round and round
it goes.
I’ve also lived through not only my
husband’s deployment to a war zone, but through the difficult readjustment
years that followed, from navigating the complicated VA system, to relationship
issues, and simply learning to share my living space again. Nowhere in the
pre-deployment packet do they tell you just how hard it would be to readjust to
be husband and wife again after the coming-home excitement wears off. But, as
spouses, we do it. One day at a time, one separation at a time. For me, that
meant getting to know my husband all over again, and falling in love with the
same but drastically different man
that came home from war.
For spouses, emotions range from the
highest of highs to the lowest of lows. From abject sadness when he’s gone, to immense
pride when you see him in uniform. From to sweat-inducing, mind-numbing fear
imagining what could go wrong while he’s away, to overwhelming relief when he’s
finally home. Love, anger, hope, frustration, all these swirl around inside
while we’re going through our days, often unnoticed by those around us. Family
and friends can sympathize, but never truly understand how it feels.
As I stood there thinking of all of
this, I realized that I serve too.
For the past twelve years, it has been my honor to serve at my husband’s side
while he serves our country. Does it make my service any less important? Not at
all. Serving at his side has been an incredible honor, and holding it all
together at home makes it so he can go out and do what he does best - be a
soldier. So, I’ll walk this walk next to him, holding his hand when he needs me
to, or simply standing quietly next to him when he doesn’t. I can give voice to
the families who stay behind, because I’ve lived it. I live it every day.
War, PTSD, injuries, separations,
suicides, and death don’t just affect the veterans; it affects the spouses,
families, and those that love the veterans as well. Their service may be
quieter and less obvious, but never forget they do just that – serve. So today,
when you say a prayer for our veterans, say one for their families as well. They
are often fighting battles no one knows about behind closed doors. Send a text,
make a call, or check in on someone. Your simple act of caring could mean so
much! Let’s lift them up today, so they can find the strength to continue serving
alongside their veterans.
If you are a caregiver in need of support, there are a variety of options available to you. You can contact Veteran's Refuge Network, Give an Hour, or VA Caregiver Support. Just know you're not alone. We've been there. We are there.
If you are a caregiver in need of support, there are a variety of options available to you. You can contact Veteran's Refuge Network, Give an Hour, or VA Caregiver Support. Just know you're not alone. We've been there. We are there.
